Dear Man...

Hello readers.

This time i would like to talk about relationship between man and woman, which it is always interesting to talk about. As i believe, man and woman cant be friends, just like the classical movie named WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. I believe that either to be lovers, or enemies. Thats how man and woman is united. And this writing is deeply dedicated to all man in the world. It is a deep feeling of a woman. It is the truest emotion a woman can write in an open media. Its an open letter to all the man in the world. Here it is.

Dear man.
What is it that u are looking from a woman? When one day u saw a woman passing by, u decided to come to her. U ask her name, u compliment her. U chase her, u hunt her. At first, u saw her, she doesnt believe u. She doesnt want to open her world to u, and u keep trying for her. U make time, u give attention, u care. Because u want her. So, at that time, u want to get her trust, do u?

As the time goes by, the woman finally trusts u. She opens her world for u, allows u to step inside her life. She allows u to be involved with her. She hopes that u are true, she believes your word even there is no HONESTY MEASUREMENT in this world. She just believes in u. She hopes in u. Is that what u want, right? A trust, and u got it.

But its not enough for u, dear man. As u got her trust, the game is not interesting anymore. Your hunter blood has no more challenge. It is her, who always supports u, listens to u, being true to u, and she starts becomes boring for u. She is no longer a MUST HAVE item in your life, suddenly she is just a doormat where u step on to clean your dirt on your feet. She is no longer interesting. Her trust is no longer what u want. Because u got it. U want other thing to hunt. Other thing to chase.

Dear man.
She will see everything falling apart without even understand whats going on in your head. She will be in tears, and realize that u just take her trust and missuse it. Some of u, dear man, will just cruelly walk away, and wish her all the best to keep her scattered heart to be one again. But she will never be the same anymore. Its not easy to trust a man, its not easy to see that the trust is taken and thrown away on her face, its not easy to see all of that falling apart without reason. But what can she do? All she can do is just to collect every piece of her scattered heart and continue her life, even if its not the same anymore, right? While u, dear man, u will continue chasing a new item, a new trust, a new game.

So what do u want in this life? If any of u who ever cheated by a woman, its not fair to cheat the other innocent woman, for the sake of your pain in past. If its just u, who wants to enjoy life by selling love to all woman u met in your life, u can enjoy your life without hurting others, right. Its not fair if u want to play a game while she is being true to u. Its not fair to fight for her trust in the beginning, but then u just missuse that or even throw it on her face. If u still not sure of your feeling, pls stay away from her, dont invite her to open her heart, touch it, and just walk away. Its not fair.

Come on dear man.
U maybe just a man right now. Its easy to laugh on woman tears right now. Its easy to play with her trust, and start playing again with others. It maybe entertaining right now, to call a woman, make a date to five women at the same time. U must feel u are the most wanted man in the world. :-)

But just remember dear man.
U are maybe just a man right now. U can laugh now. Its funny to see how stupid a woman to trust u right now and u cheat her. But, u will be someday a FATHER OF A DAUGHTER. And its not funny anymore when u saw the same tears going from your daughter's eyes for the same reason when she is being cheated. U will feel broken as u wipe the tears on your daughter's face at that time. Its not funny anymore, right?

Or, even if u never be a father of a daughter tomorrow, minimum, now u are a BROTHER OF A SISTER, or A SON OF A MOTHER. There must be a woman around u, no matter what. For this reason, whatever u want to do, all the bad things, u plan for a woman, u will re consider it. Come on, u supposed to protect woman, dear man. Thus, u are created first by God. Thus, Adam is the first. Thus, woman is created after u. She was created from one of your rib. Woman is not created from your head bone, so that woman is not your leader to follow, she is not created from your feet bone, so that she is not designed to be under u. Woman is created from your rib bone, the bone near your heart. It means, woman is created to be cared, to be loved, to be protected, by u, dear man.

Please stop joking. Stop playing around. Stop chasing trust, then missuse it. Start being a gentleman who respects woman and care her trust, and appreciate her. Be with her as she trusted u. Love her and treat her right. Dont hurt others, even if it is funny to u. Because when the same reason happen to your daughter, sister, or mom, it will not be funny anymore.

Dear man. Be a good trusted man, who knows how to fight for the woman honor, and to respect it. Dont harm her after she trust u, be a good loving man for her. Love, feeling, trust, are not jokes. Because after u touch a woman heart, it will never ever be the same again. It will not...

Mysore, June 7 2014.

A woman,

Nurul Kasyfita

Thank God Its Friday (T.G.I.F)

Hey there!

Friday, it is! Time for welcoming the weekend. Different than in India, Friday is considered as the last working day in my country, Indonesia. Well, not for all, of course, public school opens on Saturday, however as I teach in University, Saturday is considered as off day for us, lecturers.

I think Friday is also considered as the last working day in many countries in the world. At least, i can compare the Friday ambience, between four countries, i.e, Indonesia, India, Malaysia and Singapore.

In Indonesia, usually Friday is considered as THE SHORT DAY. We stop working at 12 as the prayer jumah is coming in every corners. I really miss that condition, as in India, being a muslim is not as festive as in Indonesia. My class in university stops at 11.30 pm, and every man will go to Masjid for Juma Prayer. Some offices will open again after juma prayer, but my class in university usually off and i can enjoy my early coming weekend. :-)
The same thing i found in Malaysia, as it is the CONNECTING COUNTRY between India and Indonesia. In Malaysia, i found one masjid near my hotel cooks special food and shares to jamaah. Friday is also considered as sacred day when people collectively going for Jumah Prayer to masjid. There is not much difference between Malaysia and Indonesia.

In India, as i can feel, Friday is not too special here. It is definitely not the last working day in the week, and also the Jumah Prayer is not too festive here. I am lucky now i stay near a masjid, so minimum i can heal my miss of Friday atmosphere in my country. I can see some men going for prayer. I can hear the adzaan. So, it feels a bit like home. A bit, not much of course. Here i observe too, people are not too eager of welcoming weekend. Unlike in Indonesia, we will plan something to spend quality time during weekened. Either it is a vacation, dine out, swimming, stay in a hotel outside our hometown, u name it, we have special activity during weekend. And we plan it. Unlike in India, where people are just so-so in welcoming the weekend.

In Singapore, even i have never been there, but based on the story of my students whom are living there for three years, Singapore starts its weekend celebration on Friday evening. People are coming to streets, having dinner, or going for shopping. Strangely, on. Saturday morning, people spend their time by sleeping. So, the streets are quiet during Saturday. Life starts to crawl again on Saturday evening, when people start enjoying weekend part two. Singapore has less muslims compared to Malaysia and Indonesia, so the tradition of going for Juma prayer is not too common. Probably, the ambience is almost same as it is in India.

For me, my favorite of Friday is that it is the end of my work day, and even if Saturday i work, it is usually i call as LEISURE WORK. I usually teach outside my city to get extra income during the weekend. I also love the fact that Friday is a short day in my country. And...the perfume smell of some men going for Juma prayer in mosque :-). As it is sunna to use some of the fragrances to go for Juma pray, and, i will be the one who enjoys it.

And...whats for the weekend? For me, I do some leisure thing even when I am not in my country. Weekend is just too tempting to be passed. Here are some common things I do in weekend in India.
One, watch FRIENDS
Its an American serial, my favorite one. I usually cook what I love, make a hot milk, and sit by my laptop to watch it. I ignore all the assignments during this time. I do know how to embrace time by myself.
Two, have a late hot bath
I love it! Every weekend, i take a late bath, like almost my bedtime. I will do the whole favorite things then prepare hot water for bath. Its soo relaxing. After that, i will directly go to my bed and sleep. Hot milk, friends serial, and a rekaxing hot bath, what can i say? Its heaven!
Three, music
Yup, i love music A LOT! In weekend, i will listen happy music and dance by my own in the beginning and then have a slow relaxing one afterwards. Its soo much fun.
Four, park
Sometimes i can also go outside to enjoy the surrounding. And park is my favorite. And Mysore has many parks that i do love to hang out by myself. Alone? Yup, there is nothing more interesting than to be with my own.

Well, this will be my last Friday in India, people. Next week, at this time I will be between Malaysia and Indonesia. It is a farewell writing to India, as it will be my last post of Friday in India. Sad, as it is, but this is life. It should move forward, not stuck or going backward. So, I thank God its Friday. I thank God I have the most wonderful Friday along my two years in India. I thank God of YOU, who read my last post of Friday in India.

Lets celebrate weekend, people. Whats your plan this weekend? Whatever it is, we should say out loud, THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!

Last friday post in India.

Mysore, 04.07.2014

Nurul Kasyfita

Seseorang yg salah di waktu yg salah

Hello readers.

Kali ini saya menulis dlm bhs indonesia saja sepertinya. Kangen euyy dg bahasa sendiri hehehe. Besides, saya kan menulis ttg seorang sahabat yg saya tdk ingin tahu bahwa ia sedang dibicarakan :-). Sssttt...be silent ya readers..

Hmmm...tulisan ini tentang kasih sayang. Bahwa kita bisa perduli dengan org lain, meskipun tidak memakai embel embel "pasangan". Kita bisa perduli dengan teman, sahabat, keluarga, bahkan musuh. Dan bagi saya, hati saya selalu mudah memaafkan. Hati saya mudah tersentuh dengan kebaikan. Dan seberapa pun saya disakiti, ditipu, dibohongi, dimanfaatkan, saya tidak pernah menyerah untuk percaya bahwa selalu ada orang baik di luar sana, meskipun persentasenya kecil sekali.

Bagi Anda yg menyimak kisah hidup saya, tentu sangat sulit sekali bagi saya utk mempercayai orang baru, siapapun itu. Namun bagi saya, ketakutan saya berkomitmen bukan karena saya tidak percaya dg org lain, tapi krn saya tdk percaya dg diri saya sendiri. Saya tidak percaya bahwa saya tdk akan berbuat kesalahan yg sama lagi. Deep down, saya merasa perceraian itu adalah krn saya. Mungkin saya membosankan, atau terlalu menuntut, hingga mahligai itu hancur, dan sehingga itu yg membuat saya menjauh dari ranah itu. Saya mengakui, itu bukan bidang saya dan tempat terbaik, saya adalah sekolah. Jadi saya tetap percaya ada org baik di luar sana, namun saya yg tdk oercays diri bahwa saya CUKUP BAIK untuk mereka.

Meskipun begitu, jika Anda menyimak curahan hati saya, terlihat jelas bahwa my love life tidaklah silent. Ada saja mereka yg entah iseng, entah real, yg mencoba mendekati saya yg sdh expired ini. Yah, saya menamakan diri saya expire krn jujur saya tdk punya kekuatan lgi untuk bertarung di dunia percintaan. Come on, saya sudah 30+, sdh punya anak satu, dengan latar belakamg hidup yg porak poranda, what to hope? Realistis saja, msh banyak perawan tingting yg eligible untuk dipinang, isnt it? So drpada take a risk ikut berlaga di ajang yg sudah jelas saya akan kalah, so saya lebih baik minggir saja. And thats exactly what i do. Saya minggir, memilih menyepi dengan buku dan akademik saya. Besides, saya tdk bisa menggantikan Najwa dg siapapun bayi berikutnya yg dituntut dari sebuah mahligai pernikahan yg baru. Ah, saya memang tdk siap utk itu.

Well, mari saya bercerita ttg sahabat saya. Jika Anda melihat timeline facebook saya, Anda akan melihat ada seorang anak muda yg rajin komen di status saya. Dia adalah orang yg salah, bernama salah dan datang di saat yg salah. Begitu saya menyebutnya. Dia bertemu saya saat saya baru saja dikibuli habis habisan oleh teman se negaranya. Jadilah salah, semakin salah. Ia selalu saya salahkan, seperti namanya. Meskipun begitu, ia, hingga hari ini, msh bertahan. Ia memang tidak berjanji apa apa pada saya bahkan tidak menyebut saya dengan embel embel pasangan. Ia menyebut dirinya saudara laki laki yg perduli. Ia paham saya tdk bisa percaya lgi dg segala ucapan yg keluar dri mulut laki laki, setelah teman senegaranya mengibuli saya habis habisan. Ia paham betapa jalan hidup saya di masa lalu tidak mudah untuk membuat saya percaya siapapun. Dan sebelum ia datang di hidup saya, saya justru bertemu teman senegaranya yg saya percaya, lalu mengibuli saya. A cheater. Jadilah salah, tumpuan kesalahan lelaki yg datang sebelumnya. Saya marah, saya salahkan, meski begitu salah tetap salah, bertahan, hingga hari ini.

Jujur saya tdk pernah memperhatikannya. Yes, saya tahu ia selalu komen di setiap postingan saya, tapi saya pikir, iseng. Ia baru mengontak saya secara pribadi saat saya menulis tentang benjolan 7 cm yg kini ada di dada saya dan di diagnosa dokter sebagai sel hidup yg numpang makan di tubuh saya. Ia menawarkan bantuan saat itu, tpi saya menanggapinya dingin. Saya hanya minta tolong utk membantu menjualkan motor saya. Dan ia benar benar memperhatikan itu. Ia tdk omong kosong, spt halnya org lain yg saya kenal. Hingga ia memperkenalkan saya pada seorg penjual motor di Mysore yg siap menerima motor saya. Saat itu, dengan sopan anak muda ini menawari saya minum kopi. Dan saya pun menerima itu. Toh hanya kopi. Itu pikiran saya.

Lalu, saya tidak online beberapa hari karena internet saya habis masa berlaku. Saya mendapat akses internet di kampus dan menemukan pesannya. Ia khawatir akan kesehatan saya. Ia bertanya apa saya baik baik saja. Saya pun mengirim pesan padanya mengabarkan saya akan online lagi pada awal juni krn saya tdk punya budget utk mengisi pulsa saat itu. Dan malamnya, tiba tiba ada seseorang mengirimkan pulsa internet di nomer saya yg saya gunakan untuk menelpon, bukan utk internet (saya menggunakan dua nomer berbeda di tab dan di handphone saya). Saya mengira yg mengirimkan adalah teman senegaranya yg jelas jelas a cheater. Lagi lagi salah tidak terlihat di mata saya. Ia lagi lagi salah. :-). Salah mengirimkan pulsa, salah karena saya tdk mengira itu dia. Baru seminggu setelah itu, saya sadar, itu adalah dia yg mengirimkan oulsa utk saya.

Anyway, saya menemui bahwa si cheater cuma bisa omong kosong. Si cheater yg berjanji will always be there ternyata tdk pernah ada when i need him the most. Yg datang ternyata si pemuda salah, yg tdk pernah sedikit pun terlintas di benak saya. Saat si cheater mengingkari janjinya, si pemuda salah menelpon saya dan mendapati saya menangis. Ia yg saat itu sdg makan, segera menemui saya dan berusaha membuat saya tersenyum. Ia yg selalu salah di mata saya, krn datang di saat yg salah dan bernama salah.

Hingga saat ini saya yakin pemuda ini hanya menganggap saya sahabatnya. Ia takut berkomitmen krn takut menyakiti, takut tdk mampu membahagiakan. Namun, ia dengan jelas berkata pada saya, tdk perlu berjanji muluk untuk menunjukkan kita peduli. Saat kita peduli dengan keadaan seseorang, meskipun kita bukan lah pasangan, kita bisa tetap selalu ada utk mereka. Dan hingga saat ini saya tdk pernah percaya janjinya. Termasuk janjinya bahwa ia akan mengantar saya ke airport di Bangalore krn si cheater lagi lagi mengingkari janjinya. Dan janjinya yg lain bahwa ia sedang meng cancel tiket ke negaranya dan berusaha terbang ke Malaysia. Yg membuat saya tersentuh adalah si pemuda salah ini selalu berusaha bertanggung jawab atas kesalahan yg dilakukan teman senegaranya. Ia saat ini juga sdg berusaha mem booking mobil untuk saya agar saya bisa mengunjungi sebuah tempat wisata di sekitar Mysore. Ini juga terjadi karena si cheater lagi lagi membatalkan janjinya. So si pemuda salah ini sedang berusaha membayar kesalahan yg dilakukan teman senegaranya. Meskipun tentu saja itu bukan salahnya.

Well, saya tetap belum bisa mempercayai kebaikannya. Namun, saya bersykur saya tdk sendiri saat ini. Minimum saya memiliki teman tempat saya berbagi. Dan ia paham betapa sulitnya saya untuk percaya lagi. Namun, ia selalu berkata ia tidak akan berkata jika itu tidak nyata. So, i will see. Apakah si pemuda salah akan benar benar menyertai saya. Apakah ia benar benar akan membuktikan janjinya. Toh, tidak ada rasa di antara kami. Ia hanya menunjukkan ia mampu peduli tanpa embel embel asmara. Baginya tdk perlu ucapan, ia akan buktikan ia real, ia nyata, ia bisa diandalkan kapan pun saya memerlukan bantuannya. Hingga saat ini, sudah beberapa kali ia menunjukkan bahwa ia menganggap saya penting dalam hidupnya. Berbeda dengan si cheater, yg hanya pintar menebar janji manis, pemuda ini terlalu takut utk berjanji dg saya. Ia cenderung membuktikan ucapannya. Ia cuma berkata jika kita menganggap seseorang itu penting, kita akan menyediakan waktu utk mereka. We will make time, dan tidak ada yg menghalangi seorg laki laki utk peduli dengan siapa pun. Meskipun kita bukan pasangannya. Ia menunjukan pada saya bahwa saya cukup penting baginya, seorang saudara perempuan yg hrs dilindungi, diperhatikan, dan dibahagiakan. Itu kata katanya.

Meskipun ia selalu saya salahkan. Meskipun ia bernama salah, datang di saat yg salah, i will see apakah ia juga orang yg salah untuk saya percayai. Hingga saat ini, pemuda ini masih bisa membuktikan ucapannya. Well, i will wait and see...

Mysore, 5 Juni 2014

Still in India.

Nurul Kasyfita

Maleficent: as love will always forgive

Good evening everyone.

I juat finished my appointment with one of the doctor in cancer hospital in Mysore, well, regarding to my 7 cm happy growing cell. And now i am sitting in my favorite park, with my favorite companion, my tablet and myself. I remembered i sit in this park many times, just to release the nerve. I used to sit here with one friend i hoped to be here, but as u know, i really dont like bothering anyone, and i prefer to sit here, all by myself. My memory actually couldnt tolerate me. I remembered some nice moments i spent here with him, even how short and how fragile it was. I remembered i ran to a bird just to bother it, and i laughed. I remembered the way he hide my jacket just to tease me, but now i am embracing all those moments, all by myself.

Well, the appointment was ok. But i dont want to talk aboit its details here. Its already painful to handle all of this alone and force myself to stay strong. The worst is...i may lose right side of my chest, as now the pain is getting more intensed now. Yeah, even Angellina Jolie lost both of her chests due this damn monster, right? So, i must be as sexy as her to be given by this type of hump on my chest. But well, lets talk about other thing, this park is just sooo amazing to be spoiled with sadness of mine.

Talking about Angellina Jollie, today i watched one of her movies, called as MALEFICENT. For u whom havent watched, its a story how a true love can always forgive. Maleficent is a strong fairy woman. She builds her own kingdom, and she is fine by herself. Until one day, she met a boy named Stefan. For the first time in her life, Maleficent trusts Stefan, whom is a human, not a fairy as she is. Shortly, Maleficent gives her true feeling to Stefan, while Stefan has a hidden agenda of KILLING MALEFICENT in order to be the king. Maleficent loves him with all her heart, waiting for Stefan each and every night, even Stefan never comes back to her for long time. One night, Stefan is back. He called Maleficent, and as she loves him so much, she trusts Stefan and spends the night. All the waiting has over, and Maleficent slept in her nicest dream beside the man she loves. In morning, she found Stefan has gone by cutting her powerful wings. She was screaming for being cheated, as the wings is so important for her, and she can never fly again. Suddenly, her world becomes dark and bitter. There is NOTHING more painful than trusting the wrong person.

However, her love is never finished. She will always love Stefan, even if Stefan never love her back. Call her stupid, but thats how a true love can do. It forgives, no matter what. It waits, no matter how long. It hopes, no matter how empty it is.

Well, finally, even Maleficent has the chance to kill Stefan, she didnt do it. She allows him to go. It was Stefan who always wants to kill her. And finally, Stefan was killed by his own greediness. U must watch the movie itself to get more detailed of course ;-).

Readers, it must be hard for any of us, to trust anyone. One time, there is a stranger came to your life, offers a help, and promise that he will always be there. Maybe at that time, u were fine by yourself. Life is flat, but safe. Wake up, breakfast, going to work or college, study, sleep, all the boring routine of course. Suddenly, there is a STEFAN came. All the routine suddenly gone. In beginning, he may always be there. He MAKES TIME, DOES EFFORT, to be with u. He will find the smallest reason just to hear your voice or sending message. U spend hours and hoyrs talking about nothing with him.

First, u didnt want to open your heart to him. U were fine by yourself. But as heart speaks, u trusts him. But as it happens, human is not permanent. People change. And suddenly, it is u, whom is waiting for him, it is u, whom make excuses to meet him, or just to listen to his voice. And suddenly, he is always busy. He can not make even two minutes to talk to u. He has something more important. Suddenly, the world becomes upside down. Laughter changes to tears, stability becomes chaos, and u just know u were hurt by love.

Sometimes it maybe your mistake. Maybe u are just not interesting enough, or u just change his mood, so he just walks away. Or probably, u are the most boring person in the world, so he cant spend even one minute talking to u. It must be painful, of course. But as i said, love will always forgive.

Of course it is not fair to stop the relationship on one side. It is not fair to come to anyone's life and then just walk away. It is not fair to be always ready in the beginning but turns out to be always busy in the middle if the relationship. It hurts the other side. Especially if the other side is woman just like Maleficent. If u want to stop the relationship, u should make the other side to become ready. It doesnt work out like a machine. Love doesnt work that way. It takes years and years of bitterness to finally can trust again.

But as i said, love forgives. So even if he sent message only one time in one day, or even not, just like Stefan, whenever he can send message, a woman with the love in her heart will always forgive. Even if he never think of yhe woman, she always think of him. Even she can not eat, she still thinks whether he eats or not. And now, as he wants to change, even if its unfair, she should always be strong. Just like Maleficent after lost her wings. She cant fly, her life is just darkness. However, once she saw Stefan, her heart will always forgive.

And for the power of love, even i am alone here, even i am in confusion, i will always forgive u. I will always wait until u can see the love i always have for u. It maybe years, or even never. But as i give u all of me, i will always win, for giving u the truest feeling.

Its time to ride my bike to home, and being with myself again. Thank u for reading until this line.

Mysore, June 3 2014

My last month in India

Nurul Kasyfita

A Second Chance in US

Hello...good morning from India!

Its still 6.24 am here, and the weather is just cold enough to get back under the blanket, but well, here i am, typing on how i feel on my beloved tab. How are u readers? For me, i feel a bit down today. Well, i am about to say the reason why, in my following writings, but basically, its about my biggest dream to finally land in US.

Hmmm...i am now in the selection process of a 6 months training of nuclear weapon and laboratory safety in US. I submitted my application by April 28 and i did get a reply from the committee that they have received my documents. The training will be held on August and for sure the announcement will be before that. Going to US has been my greatest and wildest dream ever. So, ive been praying for this dream ever since i hit the SEND button to send the document.

United. States of America, in my eyes, is the land of chance. It is the place where people can justhave a big enoigh dream and a hardwork, then everything is done. It is the place where therebis no discrimination on people hope. As long as u hope, and u work hard on it, u will get it. Well, maybe this kind of perception is coming from many US movies that i watch along my life, but really, i look at US as the land of chance. It is also a place where people will not look behind your shoulder and judge u on the things which is unrelated. The place where i need to GROW.

I remembered in 2012 i applied for the scholarship to India. There were about 500 candidates and only 20 candidates will be selected. At that time, i felt very very small about myself because i am just too old to apply for a master degree. At that time, i was just trying hard so they will call me for interview so they can see how eager i am as a person and i deserve the get the chance to study despite of my age. And they did call me and in that interview session, i knew i just impressed them and yes, i got this scholarship. I got selected among 500 of indonesians and fly to India.

The same feeling i feel right now. This fellowship to US is ONLY for two women from Indonesia. I dont know how many of them apply, but i am sure there must be better candidate than me. Well, this is US, this is not India. This is only for TWO candidates instead of twenty, and i am just two years older than i was in 2012. Plus, there will be no inteview on this competition, so basically, i can not show how eager i am as a person and they should give me a chance.

And...this morning, i just dreamed that i didnt get it. A second dream i got of the same theme. So, it started to disturbing me.

Ah, i just need them to see me in person instead of just based on my document. I just want them to see how hardworking person i am. I may not be a genious in nuclear, for sure, but i am ready to work hard to achieve what i need to accomplish. And everyday, everyday, i walk to my college in India carrying a bag with American flag, just to put that all my academical dream will end in that country. I really really want to land in US for study, even if it is just six months.

I do have strong points on this competition.
One, Active English Skill
Yes, my toefl score is 578,  and with the education in India, i think i may get higher a few points. I do improve my English here.
Two, I Study Chemistry
Of course, its about chemistry and i am just on the right track.
Three, I am a lecturer of chemistry education
That means to say that once i absorb the knowledge, i am the most effective domino effect they can expect. Because teacjing one NURUL KASYFITA is not just teaching one person, but with her teaching skill, it wil be teaching more than 1,000,000 students.
Four, American friends
I have some American friends, and i do think i am getting along well with them. So, if only the committe would like to contact them as my reference, i am sur they will find out that i deserve to get this chance.

However, i realize my weak point as well. And this what makes me feel very very small.
One, i am still finishing my master degree
Well, this is one of my worry. Even i already attached a document of recommendation from my chairman saying that i will be finishing the course by June 2014, this matter will be one of the consideration of the committee. And there must be better candidate with a doctoral degree whom is so much ready to fly.
Two, i am still in India
Even i try hard to fly back home in July so that if i got selected i will be ready to fly to US embassy for visa administration, it still makes me worry that the committee will see this as an obstacle  for me to join the training.
Three, my research is NOT about nuclear
Because this competition is based on their judgement only on document, this makes me hopeless. They need to see me in person and decide that i deserve this chance. I know i can convince them if they see me in person, but what can i do, document is the only thing that represent ME in front of the committee.
Four, my program is mostly about education NOT about pure chemistry
In this fellowship, candidates need to write two essays on what programs they are going to apply as they back to their country. And as i have Master of Education before, i concern more on the campaign on nuclear weapon to the generation of tomorrow. This of course is just a simple program, not sophisticated enough, and for sure there will be some better candidates with better program. Aggghhh,,,, i just really want this!

Fiuhh. And the dream is just ignoring me this morning. Suddenly i feel sad and down about it. I know, this is very very small chance, only two women from Indonesia will be selected and there must be better candidate than me. I know, i know, this is US, not India anymore, it is tougher and harder of course, but i really really dont want to stop hoping.

As this is the land of chance in my eyes, i really really hope my document will be good enough for the committee to give me a chance. Please, anyone of u who read this, please cross your finger for me. Pls say a little prayer that i will be one of those two candidates. Pls, i really beg u on this.

Sometimes i jusg hope one of the committee member is just GOOGLE up my name, NURUL KASYFITA, and found this blog of writing, and see how eager i am to study in US. And that they need to give me that chance. The second chance to study in US!

God, pls let me be one of those two. Pls allow me to be the selected candidates. Pls, allow me to fly and land in US. Pls, pls, dear God, i never want anything in my life, as much as i want this. May YOU grants my wish. Amin.

A prayer, a hope,

Nurul Kasyfita

I can and I will...

Dear readers.

Saat ini nati saya sedang mellow plus down. Kemarin adalah hari ulang tahun anak saya, Najwa, namun saya tidak punya media apapun untuk sekedar mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun padanya. Mungkin ada diantara Anda yg berkomentar, telpon saja. Yah, seandainya Anda tahu betapa kompleks kondisi yg saya hadapi. Sehingga sgt tdk memungkinkan utk menelpon anak saya utk mengucapkam selamat ulang thn. So, jadilah saya duduk sendirian di KFC, restoran yg disukainya. Membayangkan ia duduk di hadapan saya, sambil mengucapkan selamat ulang thn pada bayangannya.

Ah, hampir dua tahun saya bersembunyi di India. Melarikan diri dari kenyataan hidup yg pahit di Samarinda. Selama dua tahun ini, saya berusaha utk tdk kehilangan apa apa. Dan saya benar benar berusaha keras untuk itu. Ketakutan untuk hidup sendiri dan tdk punya siapa siapa menghantui saya. Sehingga saya "menggenggam" apapun dan siapapun utk bisa tetap terapung, serapuh apapun pegangan saya itu.

Hari ini saya memutuskan saya menyerah. Saya melepaskan apapun yg pernah saya genggam dan berusaha tetap terapung, tetap hidup. Sangat tidak mudah melepaskan satu satunya hal yg masih saya genggam dalam hidup saya, namun itu yg saya lakukan. Saya melepaskan kayu terakhir yg saya genggam di samudera ini. Saya memutuskan untuk sendiri, benar benar sendiri. Saya merasa saya tidak punya cukup ruang untuk suara dalam diri saya dan itu membuat saya lemah dan seakan akan saya tidak mampu hidup tanpa siapa siapa. Saya menjadikan kehilangan saya akan Najwa sebagai alasan utk menjadi lemah dan memerlukan siapapun ada di samping saya. Namun, sejak hari ulang tahunnya kemarin, saya tiba tiba berpikir bahwa saya tidak selemah itu. True, saya memang telah kehilangan anak dan pernikahan saya. Tapi itu bukan alasan utk menjadi lemah dan menggenggam siapapun yg ada disekitar saya. Saya harus mau dan mampu untuk berdiri tegar, sendiri. Saya bisa saja menjadikan kepedihan hidup saya utk terus berperan sebagai "korban takdir", tapi hari ini saya memutuskan kejadian yg terjadi di masala lalu saya bukan alasan untuk menghalangi saya menuju terang di hari esok. Dan terang itu tidak akan datang, jika belum benar benar gelap menyelimuti saya. So, meski saya hanya punya satu nyala lilin saat ini, saya meniupnya dengan seluruh kekuatan saya dan menjadikan diri saya benar benar dalam gelap saat ini. Saya melepaskan satu satunya orang yg msh saya genggam hingga saat ini dan membiarkannya pergi dari hidup saya.

Jujur, saya tidak tahu apa perasaan saya saat ini. Saya hanya merasa kosong. Saya tidak ingin makan, saya bahkan tidak tahu apa yg harus saya lakukan. Selama ini, ia telah begitu menemani saya, dan hari ini saya merelakannya pergi dan ia pergi. Saya yg  begitu takut berada dalam gelap, saya sendiri yg meniup lilin penerang itu dan menjadikan saya completely in the dark. Saya yang begitu takut untuk sendiri, hari ini saya memlih itu untuk hidup saya ke depan. Yg saya tahu, saya benar benar berada dalam gelap saat ini. Saya tidak bisa merasakan apapun.

Masih beberapa bulan lagi sebelum saya kembali ke tanah air. Saya masih berusaha memaafkan diri saya sendiri atas kesahalan hidup yg pernah saya buat. Yes, i made mistake, life doesnt come with instruction, does it? Yg jelas, saya tidak berencana berpasangan lagi, saya terlalu lelah utk semua rencana cinderella itu. Saya hanya ingin fokus dengan sekolah saya, pendidikan, dan karier saya. Saat ini benar benar gelap, saya bahkan tidak bisa melihat diri saya sendiri, semua terasa hitam. Pekat.

Tapi Anda tahu kan, saat kita benar benar berada dalam gelap, pada saatnya mata kita akan beradapatasi dan somehow kita bisa melihat segala sesuatu yg ada di sekeliling kita. Dan saya belum tahu kapan saya bisa melihat itu, namun saya yakin saat itu akan datang. Saya terlalu lama berkhayal saya masih memiliki seseorang padahal harfiahnya saya adalah sendiri. Dan hari ini hanyalah sebuah penegasan akan hal itu. Saya memang sendiri, dan akan selalu sendiri.

Readers, mohon doakan saya. Saat ini saya masih mengikuti seleksi training nuklir selama enam bulan di US. Hanya dua kandidat wanita Indonesia yg akan dipanggil utk mengikuti training ini. Saya memohon keringanan hati pembaca sekalian untuk mendoakan agar saya satu diantara dua kandidat tersebut. Semoga Allah mengijabah doa saya. Hingga saya bisa melanjutkan penegmbaraan saya kembali. Saya bisa berduaan dengan diri saya sendiri, karena diri saya adalah teman terbaik yg saya punya.

Tidak akan ada lagi dering telpon itu, saya telah membiarkannya pergi. Saya telah meniup satu satunya terang yg masih saya punya. Bodoh? Mungkin. Gila? Bisa jadi, tapi itulah saya. Saya hanya tahu saya tidak akan mampu melakukannya dan akhirnya saya menyerah. Yg jelas saya sudah cukup berusaha. Dan usaha saya selesai hari ini.

Meskipun dingin dan gelap itu nyata menyelimuti saya saat ini, saya tahu, saya akan baik baik saja...i can..and i will...
Mysore, 18 Mei 2014

Nurul Kasyfita

The true love between haemoglobin and oxygen...(when the power of love defeats the love of power)

Hey! How are u there? Its me and my tab again, writing in the rooftop of my home, on the date called as ASTRONOMICAL DATE. Just me, my tab, and mysore sky.

Mmm...this time, i would like to write on combination between chemistry and...love hehehe. As u know, that love is about chemistry, even not all the chemistry is love. This is actually dedicated to one of mmmm...DISTURBING SENTENCE i read on my friend posting, about how oxygen is much more important than love. Lol...

Thus, now, i would like to tell, that without love, there will be no oxygen delivered to our body and..thus, love itself is much more important than the presence of oxygen. Well, how does it work? Here are my chemistry sense will try to talk as smooth as i can to show how love delivers oxygen through haemoglobin.

I am sure all of u know about haemoglobin. Its a substance in blood that carries oxygen from lung to the cells and take carbon dioxide from the cell to be released in lung. Do u know that haemoglobin contains iron? And...iron is known in chemistry to have SIX HANDS. To make it less complicated, the structure of haemoglobin contains of FOUR PYRROLE ring which surrounds the iron, and The Fifth hand holds proximal histidin, and the sixth is for oxygen. Got it? Other than this, it has an "umbrella" above which called as DISTAL HISTIDINE.

Ok, enough of that, now...how does the love work? Ok, do u know that before iron binds oxygen it has a big size and it is going down, mmm,,just like a parachute. Just imagine if u are hang with your fat body, of course, u will get down just like u will fall down, will u? This structure is called as TENSED structure, of course it is tense, because it still not meet his lover, lol. Once oxygen comes to haemoglobin and binds the sixth hands, the iron is pulled back inside the pyrrole ring and it is said as RELAXED structure. As u know, like us, after we met and binds with the one we love, there is no other feeling but just RELAXED. This is why, i said that oxygen transport through the body is based on TRUE LOVE BETWEEN OXYGEN AND HAEMOGLOBIN only.

And..what is the function of the umbrella, the distal histidine? Well, as u know, some of us are just too shy to find a partner, arent we? So, sometimes, we need a catalyst, we need mediator to convey the love message to the one we love. This is the function of distal histidine. It helps the oxygen to agree to be "married" to haemoglobin, lol. Because u know, to bind oxygen, its structure should be exatcly bend by 130 degrees. Otherwise, it will not fit into the haemoglobin structure. Thus, again, love is playing here. If oxygen resist to adjust with the structure of haemoglobin, then the bind will be impossible. We will never get oxygen in our cell, and death will occur. When we love someone, we will try to adjust with him, to make it work, otherwise it will be just an empty broken heart. In this case, oxygen forms 130 degrees angle in order to be married with haemoglobin. This is what i call as WHEN THE POWER OF LOVE DEFEAT THE LOVE OF POWER.

Well, just a little more chemistry. Do u know that the attraction between carbonmonoxide to haemoglobin is 200 times stronger than it is to oxygen? So, of course in our love story, there will be another woman which is more attractive, there will always be a bigger fish in the ocean, right? Then, how can tne love story between haemoglobin and oxygen remains forever? Well, even though carbonmonoxide is more attractive, it has less adjustment capability unlike oxygen. Carbonmonoxide is linier in structure, it can not formed to 130 degrees angle, thus, it is harder to bind with haemoglobin. This also shows that once u love someone, u adjust with him, and it will make u as his home, a place to go back and rest despite of so many other fishes in the ocean. It is the chemistry, again, the chemistry between u and the one u love, just like how oxygen is adjusted to haemoglobin, and remains together. However, when the concentration of carbonmonoxide is just too much, this is when haemoglobin can not resist and finally bind carbonmonoxide instead of oxygen, which finally, gives the SELF DESTRUCTION to the body, the poison.

Heheh, i hope those are not too chemistry. I am dreaming to get a nobel prize in chemistry, if possible, or minimum, a professor in chemistry, but different than other chemists, i love to make chemistry more human, more acceptable, i say i want to bring chemistry to lif and make the life full of chemistry. And u know, i am a silly writer who is so much in love with chemistry. So, here is my signature. I try to combine the love theory to the haemoglobin-oxygen theory. :-)

So, for those of u who hates love and said that oxygen is more important than love, well well well, u'd better think again, my friend. The oxygen is transferred by the love story only lol. And...just to emphasise that all of the process in our body happens because of love of God only. If God love his power, more than he loves us, for sure we will not alive here. This again, when the power of love defeats the love of power.

Dont hate love, embrace it, no matter how bitter it has hurt us. Dont stop hope on love. It will come, in its time, in its way.

So...i guess i should close this with the sentence "happy falling in love to everyone in the entire world! Lets defeat our love of power to embrace the power of love!"

The one whom is always in love,

Nurul Kasyfita