A Second Chance in US

Hello...good morning from India!

Its still 6.24 am here, and the weather is just cold enough to get back under the blanket, but well, here i am, typing on how i feel on my beloved tab. How are u readers? For me, i feel a bit down today. Well, i am about to say the reason why, in my following writings, but basically, its about my biggest dream to finally land in US.

Hmmm...i am now in the selection process of a 6 months training of nuclear weapon and laboratory safety in US. I submitted my application by April 28 and i did get a reply from the committee that they have received my documents. The training will be held on August and for sure the announcement will be before that. Going to US has been my greatest and wildest dream ever. So, ive been praying for this dream ever since i hit the SEND button to send the document.

United. States of America, in my eyes, is the land of chance. It is the place where people can justhave a big enoigh dream and a hardwork, then everything is done. It is the place where therebis no discrimination on people hope. As long as u hope, and u work hard on it, u will get it. Well, maybe this kind of perception is coming from many US movies that i watch along my life, but really, i look at US as the land of chance. It is also a place where people will not look behind your shoulder and judge u on the things which is unrelated. The place where i need to GROW.

I remembered in 2012 i applied for the scholarship to India. There were about 500 candidates and only 20 candidates will be selected. At that time, i felt very very small about myself because i am just too old to apply for a master degree. At that time, i was just trying hard so they will call me for interview so they can see how eager i am as a person and i deserve the get the chance to study despite of my age. And they did call me and in that interview session, i knew i just impressed them and yes, i got this scholarship. I got selected among 500 of indonesians and fly to India.

The same feeling i feel right now. This fellowship to US is ONLY for two women from Indonesia. I dont know how many of them apply, but i am sure there must be better candidate than me. Well, this is US, this is not India. This is only for TWO candidates instead of twenty, and i am just two years older than i was in 2012. Plus, there will be no inteview on this competition, so basically, i can not show how eager i am as a person and they should give me a chance.

And...this morning, i just dreamed that i didnt get it. A second dream i got of the same theme. So, it started to disturbing me.

Ah, i just need them to see me in person instead of just based on my document. I just want them to see how hardworking person i am. I may not be a genious in nuclear, for sure, but i am ready to work hard to achieve what i need to accomplish. And everyday, everyday, i walk to my college in India carrying a bag with American flag, just to put that all my academical dream will end in that country. I really really want to land in US for study, even if it is just six months.

I do have strong points on this competition.
One, Active English Skill
Yes, my toefl score is 578,  and with the education in India, i think i may get higher a few points. I do improve my English here.
Two, I Study Chemistry
Of course, its about chemistry and i am just on the right track.
Three, I am a lecturer of chemistry education
That means to say that once i absorb the knowledge, i am the most effective domino effect they can expect. Because teacjing one NURUL KASYFITA is not just teaching one person, but with her teaching skill, it wil be teaching more than 1,000,000 students.
Four, American friends
I have some American friends, and i do think i am getting along well with them. So, if only the committe would like to contact them as my reference, i am sur they will find out that i deserve to get this chance.

However, i realize my weak point as well. And this what makes me feel very very small.
One, i am still finishing my master degree
Well, this is one of my worry. Even i already attached a document of recommendation from my chairman saying that i will be finishing the course by June 2014, this matter will be one of the consideration of the committee. And there must be better candidate with a doctoral degree whom is so much ready to fly.
Two, i am still in India
Even i try hard to fly back home in July so that if i got selected i will be ready to fly to US embassy for visa administration, it still makes me worry that the committee will see this as an obstacle  for me to join the training.
Three, my research is NOT about nuclear
Because this competition is based on their judgement only on document, this makes me hopeless. They need to see me in person and decide that i deserve this chance. I know i can convince them if they see me in person, but what can i do, document is the only thing that represent ME in front of the committee.
Four, my program is mostly about education NOT about pure chemistry
In this fellowship, candidates need to write two essays on what programs they are going to apply as they back to their country. And as i have Master of Education before, i concern more on the campaign on nuclear weapon to the generation of tomorrow. This of course is just a simple program, not sophisticated enough, and for sure there will be some better candidates with better program. Aggghhh,,,, i just really want this!

Fiuhh. And the dream is just ignoring me this morning. Suddenly i feel sad and down about it. I know, this is very very small chance, only two women from Indonesia will be selected and there must be better candidate than me. I know, i know, this is US, not India anymore, it is tougher and harder of course, but i really really dont want to stop hoping.

As this is the land of chance in my eyes, i really really hope my document will be good enough for the committee to give me a chance. Please, anyone of u who read this, please cross your finger for me. Pls say a little prayer that i will be one of those two candidates. Pls, i really beg u on this.

Sometimes i jusg hope one of the committee member is just GOOGLE up my name, NURUL KASYFITA, and found this blog of writing, and see how eager i am to study in US. And that they need to give me that chance. The second chance to study in US!

God, pls let me be one of those two. Pls allow me to be the selected candidates. Pls, allow me to fly and land in US. Pls, pls, dear God, i never want anything in my life, as much as i want this. May YOU grants my wish. Amin.

A prayer, a hope,

Nurul Kasyfita

I can and I will...

Dear readers.

Saat ini nati saya sedang mellow plus down. Kemarin adalah hari ulang tahun anak saya, Najwa, namun saya tidak punya media apapun untuk sekedar mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun padanya. Mungkin ada diantara Anda yg berkomentar, telpon saja. Yah, seandainya Anda tahu betapa kompleks kondisi yg saya hadapi. Sehingga sgt tdk memungkinkan utk menelpon anak saya utk mengucapkam selamat ulang thn. So, jadilah saya duduk sendirian di KFC, restoran yg disukainya. Membayangkan ia duduk di hadapan saya, sambil mengucapkan selamat ulang thn pada bayangannya.

Ah, hampir dua tahun saya bersembunyi di India. Melarikan diri dari kenyataan hidup yg pahit di Samarinda. Selama dua tahun ini, saya berusaha utk tdk kehilangan apa apa. Dan saya benar benar berusaha keras untuk itu. Ketakutan untuk hidup sendiri dan tdk punya siapa siapa menghantui saya. Sehingga saya "menggenggam" apapun dan siapapun utk bisa tetap terapung, serapuh apapun pegangan saya itu.

Hari ini saya memutuskan saya menyerah. Saya melepaskan apapun yg pernah saya genggam dan berusaha tetap terapung, tetap hidup. Sangat tidak mudah melepaskan satu satunya hal yg masih saya genggam dalam hidup saya, namun itu yg saya lakukan. Saya melepaskan kayu terakhir yg saya genggam di samudera ini. Saya memutuskan untuk sendiri, benar benar sendiri. Saya merasa saya tidak punya cukup ruang untuk suara dalam diri saya dan itu membuat saya lemah dan seakan akan saya tidak mampu hidup tanpa siapa siapa. Saya menjadikan kehilangan saya akan Najwa sebagai alasan utk menjadi lemah dan memerlukan siapapun ada di samping saya. Namun, sejak hari ulang tahunnya kemarin, saya tiba tiba berpikir bahwa saya tidak selemah itu. True, saya memang telah kehilangan anak dan pernikahan saya. Tapi itu bukan alasan utk menjadi lemah dan menggenggam siapapun yg ada disekitar saya. Saya harus mau dan mampu untuk berdiri tegar, sendiri. Saya bisa saja menjadikan kepedihan hidup saya utk terus berperan sebagai "korban takdir", tapi hari ini saya memutuskan kejadian yg terjadi di masala lalu saya bukan alasan untuk menghalangi saya menuju terang di hari esok. Dan terang itu tidak akan datang, jika belum benar benar gelap menyelimuti saya. So, meski saya hanya punya satu nyala lilin saat ini, saya meniupnya dengan seluruh kekuatan saya dan menjadikan diri saya benar benar dalam gelap saat ini. Saya melepaskan satu satunya orang yg msh saya genggam hingga saat ini dan membiarkannya pergi dari hidup saya.

Jujur, saya tidak tahu apa perasaan saya saat ini. Saya hanya merasa kosong. Saya tidak ingin makan, saya bahkan tidak tahu apa yg harus saya lakukan. Selama ini, ia telah begitu menemani saya, dan hari ini saya merelakannya pergi dan ia pergi. Saya yg  begitu takut berada dalam gelap, saya sendiri yg meniup lilin penerang itu dan menjadikan saya completely in the dark. Saya yang begitu takut untuk sendiri, hari ini saya memlih itu untuk hidup saya ke depan. Yg saya tahu, saya benar benar berada dalam gelap saat ini. Saya tidak bisa merasakan apapun.

Masih beberapa bulan lagi sebelum saya kembali ke tanah air. Saya masih berusaha memaafkan diri saya sendiri atas kesahalan hidup yg pernah saya buat. Yes, i made mistake, life doesnt come with instruction, does it? Yg jelas, saya tidak berencana berpasangan lagi, saya terlalu lelah utk semua rencana cinderella itu. Saya hanya ingin fokus dengan sekolah saya, pendidikan, dan karier saya. Saat ini benar benar gelap, saya bahkan tidak bisa melihat diri saya sendiri, semua terasa hitam. Pekat.

Tapi Anda tahu kan, saat kita benar benar berada dalam gelap, pada saatnya mata kita akan beradapatasi dan somehow kita bisa melihat segala sesuatu yg ada di sekeliling kita. Dan saya belum tahu kapan saya bisa melihat itu, namun saya yakin saat itu akan datang. Saya terlalu lama berkhayal saya masih memiliki seseorang padahal harfiahnya saya adalah sendiri. Dan hari ini hanyalah sebuah penegasan akan hal itu. Saya memang sendiri, dan akan selalu sendiri.

Readers, mohon doakan saya. Saat ini saya masih mengikuti seleksi training nuklir selama enam bulan di US. Hanya dua kandidat wanita Indonesia yg akan dipanggil utk mengikuti training ini. Saya memohon keringanan hati pembaca sekalian untuk mendoakan agar saya satu diantara dua kandidat tersebut. Semoga Allah mengijabah doa saya. Hingga saya bisa melanjutkan penegmbaraan saya kembali. Saya bisa berduaan dengan diri saya sendiri, karena diri saya adalah teman terbaik yg saya punya.

Tidak akan ada lagi dering telpon itu, saya telah membiarkannya pergi. Saya telah meniup satu satunya terang yg masih saya punya. Bodoh? Mungkin. Gila? Bisa jadi, tapi itulah saya. Saya hanya tahu saya tidak akan mampu melakukannya dan akhirnya saya menyerah. Yg jelas saya sudah cukup berusaha. Dan usaha saya selesai hari ini.

Meskipun dingin dan gelap itu nyata menyelimuti saya saat ini, saya tahu, saya akan baik baik saja...i can..and i will...
Mysore, 18 Mei 2014

Nurul Kasyfita

The true love between haemoglobin and oxygen...(when the power of love defeats the love of power)

Hey! How are u there? Its me and my tab again, writing in the rooftop of my home, on the date called as ASTRONOMICAL DATE. Just me, my tab, and mysore sky.

Mmm...this time, i would like to write on combination between chemistry and...love hehehe. As u know, that love is about chemistry, even not all the chemistry is love. This is actually dedicated to one of mmmm...DISTURBING SENTENCE i read on my friend posting, about how oxygen is much more important than love. Lol...

Thus, now, i would like to tell, that without love, there will be no oxygen delivered to our body and..thus, love itself is much more important than the presence of oxygen. Well, how does it work? Here are my chemistry sense will try to talk as smooth as i can to show how love delivers oxygen through haemoglobin.

I am sure all of u know about haemoglobin. Its a substance in blood that carries oxygen from lung to the cells and take carbon dioxide from the cell to be released in lung. Do u know that haemoglobin contains iron? And...iron is known in chemistry to have SIX HANDS. To make it less complicated, the structure of haemoglobin contains of FOUR PYRROLE ring which surrounds the iron, and The Fifth hand holds proximal histidin, and the sixth is for oxygen. Got it? Other than this, it has an "umbrella" above which called as DISTAL HISTIDINE.

Ok, enough of that, now...how does the love work? Ok, do u know that before iron binds oxygen it has a big size and it is going down, mmm,,just like a parachute. Just imagine if u are hang with your fat body, of course, u will get down just like u will fall down, will u? This structure is called as TENSED structure, of course it is tense, because it still not meet his lover, lol. Once oxygen comes to haemoglobin and binds the sixth hands, the iron is pulled back inside the pyrrole ring and it is said as RELAXED structure. As u know, like us, after we met and binds with the one we love, there is no other feeling but just RELAXED. This is why, i said that oxygen transport through the body is based on TRUE LOVE BETWEEN OXYGEN AND HAEMOGLOBIN only.

And..what is the function of the umbrella, the distal histidine? Well, as u know, some of us are just too shy to find a partner, arent we? So, sometimes, we need a catalyst, we need mediator to convey the love message to the one we love. This is the function of distal histidine. It helps the oxygen to agree to be "married" to haemoglobin, lol. Because u know, to bind oxygen, its structure should be exatcly bend by 130 degrees. Otherwise, it will not fit into the haemoglobin structure. Thus, again, love is playing here. If oxygen resist to adjust with the structure of haemoglobin, then the bind will be impossible. We will never get oxygen in our cell, and death will occur. When we love someone, we will try to adjust with him, to make it work, otherwise it will be just an empty broken heart. In this case, oxygen forms 130 degrees angle in order to be married with haemoglobin. This is what i call as WHEN THE POWER OF LOVE DEFEAT THE LOVE OF POWER.

Well, just a little more chemistry. Do u know that the attraction between carbonmonoxide to haemoglobin is 200 times stronger than it is to oxygen? So, of course in our love story, there will be another woman which is more attractive, there will always be a bigger fish in the ocean, right? Then, how can tne love story between haemoglobin and oxygen remains forever? Well, even though carbonmonoxide is more attractive, it has less adjustment capability unlike oxygen. Carbonmonoxide is linier in structure, it can not formed to 130 degrees angle, thus, it is harder to bind with haemoglobin. This also shows that once u love someone, u adjust with him, and it will make u as his home, a place to go back and rest despite of so many other fishes in the ocean. It is the chemistry, again, the chemistry between u and the one u love, just like how oxygen is adjusted to haemoglobin, and remains together. However, when the concentration of carbonmonoxide is just too much, this is when haemoglobin can not resist and finally bind carbonmonoxide instead of oxygen, which finally, gives the SELF DESTRUCTION to the body, the poison.

Heheh, i hope those are not too chemistry. I am dreaming to get a nobel prize in chemistry, if possible, or minimum, a professor in chemistry, but different than other chemists, i love to make chemistry more human, more acceptable, i say i want to bring chemistry to lif and make the life full of chemistry. And u know, i am a silly writer who is so much in love with chemistry. So, here is my signature. I try to combine the love theory to the haemoglobin-oxygen theory. :-)

So, for those of u who hates love and said that oxygen is more important than love, well well well, u'd better think again, my friend. The oxygen is transferred by the love story only lol. And...just to emphasise that all of the process in our body happens because of love of God only. If God love his power, more than he loves us, for sure we will not alive here. This again, when the power of love defeats the love of power.

Dont hate love, embrace it, no matter how bitter it has hurt us. Dont stop hope on love. It will come, in its time, in its way.

So...i guess i should close this with the sentence "happy falling in love to everyone in the entire world! Lets defeat our love of power to embrace the power of love!"

The one whom is always in love,

Nurul Kasyfita

Amazing Spiderman, Amazing Life Surprises!

Hey there!

Yes, its me again, writing for the rest of human beings on earth hehehe. How are u guys there? Thanks anyway, for reading my piece here and even giving comments, this is just all silly piece of mine, as i am a silly writer, lol.

Well, today, i would like to dedicate this piece to a Four-Standard boy, named Anirudh. Ok, let me explain why this is specially dedicated to him.

I dont know about other foreigners, but for me, India is a friendly place. I found so many amazing people whom treats me amazingly here. I do make a good friendship with the Indians along my way of studying here and get so much help from them, despite that i am a foreigner. I got help from police officer who cancelled to give me ticket, the chicken man who always reduce the price of my purchase, the easyday officers who minimum smile genuinely to me. India, in my eyes,is just a friendly place, wherever i go.

So anyway, today another amazing thing happened. I never go to movies alone, because u know, its a movie, a place where u should hang out with your friends to have fun. So i always avoid to go if i have no accompany. However, i promise to do many insecurity things from now on and see how life surprises me, so that was exactly what i did today. I decided to watch THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN...alone! Before i went, i met one of my friends in chemistry department, who asks how can i enjoy the movie as i am alone? I told her, i dont want to bother anyone, so i kind of invite myself for my things. Of course, i didnt expect much when i arrived there. I just thought i will sit alone quitely and enjoy the movie.

Well, well, life surprises me! When i was waiting for the show, i sat beside a boy whom was going with his grandma, grandpa, and his younger brother. I asked him "do u speak english?", as u know, many people sometimes hard to speak English to us, foreigner. He replied me, with a perfect English and told me that he is the first in his English class. He also said that his English teacher named Geeta, is pretty, just like me, lol. Then, he said "because u are alone, i will be your partner today". And amazingly, our seat is just side by side, he was on D17, i was on D16. Hahaha.

Ok, by the way, along the show, he hold my hand, and shared his popcorn. We also discussed about the movie, and how much we like it, finally he asked for my number and i just gave him. When i reached home, i got a call from his mom, inviting me for lunch on. Sunday, what an amazing story, isnt it?

Well, readers, today i learn something. I learn that even when u are alone, u can always make friends, each and every step of the way. And when u expect almost nothing from life, u will see how life surprises u! When we expect too much, apparently we will always get disappointed. Because in my theory, disappointment = expectation - reality. When the gap between expectation and reality is too much, this will lead to the disappointment or even frustration. Of course, it doesnt mean that we should stop hoping for the best, we need hope. Only i suggest to simplify our expectation and that will make us embrace life more easily. And when we embrace life, just see how life surprises u and me. Dont plan too much, do the best of course, and hope, but simplify the expectation. Be brave to challenge life and being in insecurity and lets see how life surprises us. Thats why it is called as SURPRISE, because it wasnt planned, sometimes u dont even expected,but when it happens, u just know how much happiness u will feel inside. :-)

To the boy named Anirudh, thank u very much for the amazing date this afternoon, i really really enjoy it. And u are usch a gentleman, holding my hand along the show. U just dont know how much u surprises me today.

Well, guys, get ready to challenge life, embrace life with gratitude, and see how much surprises life will bring us. Amazing spiderman, amazing Anirudh, amazing life surprises!

I never plan to stay and live in India for two years, and meet so many great people along the way. But i know, everywhere i go, i can always make friends, each and every step of the way....

Still in (amazing) India.

Nurul Kasyfita.

Thats why, Man Lies, Woman Uses Make Up

Hey there!

Its Sunday morning, i know, just 7 am, here, but well, for the activated woman like me, this time i have finished my laundry, took a little walk around the house and...a nice fresh shower. In fact, now i am having my coffee, the all time breakfast.

Well, hmm, this writing is my silly observation over man and woman. As we know, man and woman are designed differently. Man uses logic, woman with her emotion. One book that i read also refers man are from Mars, woman are from Venus. For me, as I believe there is an alien, i refer man as ALIEN. The strange living creature who exists with me in this small world.

Ok, this is about how i classify man and woman, based on their behaviour. I call man as VISUAL CREATURE. They are gifted with the most functioned eyes. Man's eyes are unbelievable. They can still observe other woman around while his girl or wife is on his arm. This is also explains the egocentrism of man when they ask his wife not to show HER ASSETS, but his eyes are busy observing THE OTHER WOMAN ASSETS. It is because he knows, if the wife shows her assets, other man will enjoy observing them just like what he does. :-)

This explains the respons of woman to man. Due to this marvellous man's eyes capacity, woman tends to use make up. They put lipstick to make the lips become more red, they put powder to put the face becomes more fair, etc etc, all the things that will camuflase the eyes of a man. Hey man, dont blame us, why we love doing make up (not to confuse with the "make up exam") hehe. We love doing make up to answer your eyes needs by the way.

Of course this writing is not just about attacking man. I also observe woman behaviour here. I call woman as THE AUDITORY CREATURE. Me, us, woman, we love to hear nice sentences from man. We can fall easily with flirty sentence. The sentence like YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL from a man is such a heaven for woman. Thats why, hey u, man all around the world, we put nice dresses, we use make up, we want u to say WE ARE BEAUTIFUL! For some of us, we dont care of your look, we can fall in love to the fatty stomach, or baldy head, if u can really win our heart. Spoil our ear with your sentence, and we will fall to u.

Due to this, then, man respons us with LIES. As woman use her ear maximumly, woman will resist to hear anything she doesnt want to hear, such as, U GAIN WEIGHT, or YOUR LIPSTICK IS INCORRECT. Damn, we will blow u up with our fire hehehe. So woman, when u ask a man a question, and then he lies, dont blame him. It is just the way he respons to our needs. We love hearing lies. We love to listen to sweet lie rather than bitter truth. Come on, just be honest to yourself and handle the truth in an easy way. If u look at the mirror, and see some fat on your stomach, and ask him about it, when he says YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL FOR ME. Hehe, believe it, he lies, and just try to make u happy. Dont discuss it more, just receive his sweet lies and say DARLING, THANK U FOR TELLING LIES, lol...

Ok then, no offense, to man and woman. I write this in the most neutral way. No self atacking both to man, especially to woman. I respect both of the creatures equally. Man and woman should realize that despite our own strangeness and difference, man can not live without woman, and woman can not live without man. We are like cat and mouse, we keep fighting, but inside, we need each other.

Best regards to all man and woman in the world!

(still in India)

Nurul