The One U Can Not Have

Hi there!

Its midnight in India, but my eyes are fighting towards my brain to write this out of me. I know, i know, i can not sleep unless I release this through writing.

The one u can not have. What a sad title, isnt it? It likes a child who saw a nice toy on the store display but realize that she just doesnt have enough to purchase it. So she just bites her tounge, turns around, and compromises to herself, that she couldnt afford it, no matter how much she wants it. It doesnt mean that she is not good enough to have it, but it just that life destines her not to have it. Its as sad as it is, just to turn around, trying to forget the nice toy.

For us, we come to know that in life, there are too many things that we can not have. Either it is a nice man, a true love, a family, a good career, a small home, a baby, u name it, this is real world where idealism doesnt meet reality. In this type of world, all we can do is just accept what has been given to us and try to be happy with it.

It doesnt mean that u are not good enough, but its just how life treats u. In fact, it shows how good u are in controlling your passion over things. As u can see, many nobel man, mmm, lets say, Gandhi, or even Siddartha Gautama, or some prophets even have the most less, compared to other dirty and sick men in this world. Just see how corruptors are being sufficiently enough, while the honest man lives in poverty.

As for me, even if i can not have it, i will turn around, bite my tounge and try to continue my life accepting what i have. However, i will carry that part inside me along my life. There will always be a moment that i whusper the name or the thing i can not have. Either for a prayer, or just because i hope they will be ok, or somehow i can see them again. Its good enough for me to see it on store display, over and over again, even how bitter it is. Its good enough than trying to continue life forgetting about it. Because my brain is just too sticky with anything i met in my life. I deeply bond myself, even if it is just a pencil in my pencil case. So, even how bitter to see that toy in store display, i will always do it, see it, bite my tounge and turn around, trying to be happy with what i have. The next day, i will be back in front of the store, see it in display, and do exactly the same routine. Its hard for me to let go, even if its painful.

Thats what i really hate about myself. I should learn how to let go. I should release the memory of some things i can not have, because its too much. Like a kite, i should just let it go to fly by the wind. Because thats what it supposed to be. In air, fly freely. Even if i can just look at it from down and hope it will be back.

Call me stupid, but its just amazing even to look at the back of anyone i can not have. Its enough to be sure that they are fine. I am grabbing, even to the most fragile memory of it. I breathe with the assumption that they are there.

The one i can not have. The one i should let go. The one i should control my passion to. The one i should stop dreaming about. The one that i should forgive myself for want it. The one that i should accept that it is not affordable to me.

Fourteen days to go from Mysore now. I am letting go of this country. Its hard because i do hve a good time here. But realize that some things i can not have. I should let go. No matter what.

So to u, the one i can not have. Just trust that i will always pray for u. That i will never forget u and carry u along my life. Even how fragile the memory is, its better than not to hve memory at all.

Sending my best wishes to all the ones i can not have. And hope they are ok, even they will never know i will always whisper their name in my prayer.

The one i can not have. A healthy body. A home. A place to rest. You.

Mysore, 25.06.2014

Still in India.

Nurul Kasyfita